My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
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Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Worst perfume name ever.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.