HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
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Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted