@clichedout

her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin

me:

her:

me: i’m taking a plane, Karen

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@SocialustGal13

Really, 6 more inches of snow today. My front yard is getting more action than me.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT

@MourningGlory_

Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail.

JK

It was me.

@Celestinelea90

Her: You know when you’re craving a cheeseburger but you order a salad instead…

Me: (wiping ketchup off my face with my sleeve) No.

@GeauxSaints79

Do cops tell bad guys to freeze in Alaska? Or is it just understood?

@jumpdashark

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.

@bobvulfov

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

@LoveNLunchmeat

Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.