Really, 6 more inches of snow today. My front yard is getting more action than me.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
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[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail.
It was me.
Her: You know when you’re craving a cheeseburger but you order a salad instead…
Me: (wiping ketchup off my face with my sleeve) No.
Just gonna leave this here.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Do cops tell bad guys to freeze in Alaska? Or is it just understood?
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.