her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin



me: i’m taking a plane, Karen

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Really, 6 more inches of snow today. My front yard is getting more action than me.


[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT


Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail.


It was me.


Her: You know when you’re craving a cheeseburger but you order a salad instead…

Me: (wiping ketchup off my face with my sleeve) No.


Do cops tell bad guys to freeze in Alaska? Or is it just understood?


My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.


[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction


Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.