Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
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My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Ironic
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.