@squirrel74wkgn

Her: Where do you work?

Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…

Her: *starts choking on food*

Me: …on a TV show

You Might Also Like

@dumbbeezie

Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.

@antheanton

Homeschooling isn’t that hard … just set an agenda, stick to a routine, have fun … oh and don’t have kids!

@GingerHotDish

Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.

Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…

@MrFornicator

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

@michael_raphone

BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan

@LinajkReturns

If he buys your drink, but you’re really not interested?

Smile at him, thank him and then stick the olive up your nose.

@Lowenaffchen

i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends

@Beagz

I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”

@saltymamas

No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.