Her: Where do you work?

Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…

Her: *starts choking on food*

Me: …on a TV show

You Might Also Like


Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.


Homeschooling isn’t that hard … just set an agenda, stick to a routine, have fun … oh and don’t have kids!


Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.

Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…


Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.


BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan


If he buys your drink, but you’re really not interested?

Smile at him, thank him and then stick the olive up your nose.


i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends


I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”


No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.