When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
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Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.