Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
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You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
When news reporters do sports stories
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.