@patnspankme

Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.

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@AnnietheNanny1

I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.

@KeetPotato

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

@PetrickSara

Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.

@One_FineMess

A cig takes 7 minutes off your life

A piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life

According to my calculations I should have died in 1812

@WetzelGeek

“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo

@SaraESpivey

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

@50FirstTates

her: I’m leaving you

me: because I like scooby doo?

her: you’re obsessed

me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this

@Tbone7219

I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

@vodkachrome

I’m not even sure I remember how to have sex without holding my phone.