What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
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I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
A cig takes 7 minutes off your life
A piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life
According to my calculations I should have died in 1812
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I’m not even sure I remember how to have sex without holding my phone.