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@patnspankme: Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
@tsm560: It's not much of a tattoo. More of an inkling.
@Sean_Burgundy_: 66% of being a woman is just hiding the remote when you're mad
@ThugRaccoons: Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
@julietactually: Saw this lady taking pics of stuff and I was like your camera is facing the wrong way, psycho
ME: *reading menu* how's the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it's grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it's exquisite