Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
You Might Also Like
Birds & Planes.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.