@AmericanGent69

Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.

Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.

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@qikipedia

In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.

@EyeSeeYou619

ME: Hello cheesecake, my old friend
DARKNESS: Okay wow, I’m right here

@Sir_Strange

I almost died today, so naturally my first impulse was to pull my phone out and tweet about it.

@TheBoydP

I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…

@CynicalCanuck

Am I in the Mile High Club if I jerk off under a blanket on a plane? Just kidding, United doesn’t have blankets.

Sorry lady in seat 21B

@david8hughes

I went to the movies with a girl last night. I paid for the tickets & the snacks, & anything else I can before she reports her card stolen.

@hrtbps

“I have parrot-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

@freedom2726

Hey! My husband wanted me to let you guys know he calls me his “wined up” toy.

@Lisabug74

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

@rockymomax

[oval office]

SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!

PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*