Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
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My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
🤣🤣🤣
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]