Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
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“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶