@JohnLyonTweets

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

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@dramadelinquent

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

@offsidebastard

The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.

@GraceSpelman

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

@TheFearBoners

When God closes a door, He opens a window. God does not give a shit about your electric bill.

@MarfSalvador

[dinner date]

me: here, let me get the door for you

her: no I got it

me: ffs it’s MY microwave

@orange_rhymer

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

@totalwackjob

My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…

@SamDeLanche

We only speak to our two year old with a British accent. She’s going to be the coolest kindergartner in Kansas.

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”

@SkinnerSteven

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that