Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
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I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!