Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
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[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Before & after 😅
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999