Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
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I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.