*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
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Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.