Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
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I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
felt that