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@Mikel_Jollett

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

@TheBoydP

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

@iLikeCatShirts

Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.

@dafloydsta

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

@djdarrellripley

Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?

Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?

@AnOrangeSNES

Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*

@Twits_Giggles

It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.