You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
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Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]