At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
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[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
happy friday
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.