@JohnLyonTweets

Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.

Him: You know why.

Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*

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@Knob_ish

Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!

@ThatBrenna

*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*

He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.

@NoogsCorner

Cigarette: Hey buddy.

Me: I don’t smoke anymore.

Cigarette: But buddy.

Me: NO.

Cigarette: Buddy?

Me: You do make a good point. Fine.

@DomBorrett

Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…

You can’t have it both ways mate

@LadyM_07

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

@PaperWash

Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel

@CrystalMoon214

Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”

@sara_ashlynn

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.