Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
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Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
(yawn)
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Oh the world we live in…
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve