Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
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They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain