I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
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If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping