Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
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By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty