@TheRolo

Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”

Me: I think you’re sweet…

Her: …Awwww…

Me: …and will eventually kill me.

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@HollyMemphis

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

@smoney12

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

@BarryVonAwesome

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong

@SamSykesSwears

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

@stephenjmolloy

Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “You’ll be back.”

@ComedicBust

As soon as I get to a party, I start saying goodbye; that way I’m out of there within 4 hours.

@TribalSpaceCat

[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.

@EndhooS

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

@johngcaldwell4

Me: *cleans kitchen and does laundry
Wife: looks like someone is getting lucky
Me: 1 hour of uninterrupted Call of Duty?
W: Yes
Me: WOOHOO!