Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”

Me: I think you’re sweet…

Her: …Awwww…

Me: …and will eventually kill me.

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“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”

No thanks

“Why not?”

I actually love streets


Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.


BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?


I tried coke once. And then for like another 3 years to make sure I didn’t like it


Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO


Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.


I’m going to walk up to strangers and ask “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes, I will hand them a photo of me and walk away.


I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.


Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.


Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.