If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
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What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
As soon as I get to a party, I start saying goodbye; that way I’m out of there within 4 hours.
It will turn green in
Ah yes nailed it.
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?
Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Me: *cleans kitchen and does laundry
Wife: looks like someone is getting lucky
Me: 1 hour of uninterrupted Call of Duty?