Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
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awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.