HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
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When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Art by Pastelkatto
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for