Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.

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Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?


When you have “very happily married” in your bio, we read that as “DM me about my other secret account ’cause my spouse watches this one.”


I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.


*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.


Applicant: 8PM.



They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.


I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.


Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.


A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.


I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.


There are 8 types of people in the world

-People who are A+
-People who are A-
-People who are B+
-People who are B-
-People who are AB+
-People who are AB-
-People who are O+
-People who are O-