Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
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When you have “very happily married” in your bio, we read that as “DM me about my other secret account ’cause my spouse watches this one.”
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
There are 8 types of people in the world
-People who are A+
-People who are A-
-People who are B+
-People who are B-
-People who are AB+
-People who are AB-
-People who are O+
-People who are O-