Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
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My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee