Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
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Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
repaired
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.