@gruffybeard

Her: Why is every chocolate in the box half eaten?

[Flashback to me biting every piece to find one I like]

Me: We have a rat problem.

You Might Also Like

@mrjohndarby

sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go

@IamEveryDayPpl

Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”

@Eightinchgoat

Whoever said “The best things in life are free” obviously knew a very unsuccessful coke dealer.

@daneZie

How to fall down stairs
Step 1
Step 6
Step 7,8,9,11

@lilgapeach30

Random drunk guy: if I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put u and I together.
Me: It’s perfect the way it is with N and O together.

@TheToddWilliams

[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.

@_Aynne_

My favorite thing to say when a man offers me a drink is, “Of course I’ll have another…I AM drinking for two, after all!”

@Parkerlawyer

Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.

@prettysadmostly

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

@WilliamAder

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.