Her: Why is every chocolate in the box half eaten?

[Flashback to me biting every piece to find one I like]

Me: We have a rat problem.

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sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go


Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”


Whoever said “The best things in life are free” obviously knew a very unsuccessful coke dealer.


How to fall down stairs
Step 1
Step 6
Step 7,8,9,11


Random drunk guy: if I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put u and I together.
Me: It’s perfect the way it is with N and O together.


[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.


My favorite thing to say when a man offers me a drink is, “Of course I’ll have another…I AM drinking for two, after all!”


Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.


you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice


The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.