When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
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You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Very good! 👍😂
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.