her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
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Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg