@AndrewChamings

her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?

me: he’s my life coach

her: you wanna go to olive garden?

*duck whispers in my ear*

me: that’s a yes

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@audipenny

Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?

@lloydrang

There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.

@BobTheSuit

Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.

Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.

@internetluke

Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back

@TheAlexNevil

*first day as a conductor

“Tickets, please”

*the orchestra is confused

@Darlainky

My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.

@IAmKatieOrr

“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”

@rcromwell4

Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.

@Marlebean

How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”

Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*