her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?

me: he’s my life coach

her: you wanna go to olive garden?

*duck whispers in my ear*

me: that’s a yes

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There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.


Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.

Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.


Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back


*first day as a conductor

“Tickets, please”

*the orchestra is confused


My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.


“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”


Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.


How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”

*Keeps plucking*