This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
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Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles