@ItsAndyRyan

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

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@sbellelauren

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person

@Cryptoterra

after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host

@RonDanChan

Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT

Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.

@crunchenhanced

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

@david8hughes

[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute

@just1fool

No thanks, animal crackers. You’re not fooling me. I eat real animals.

@TheBeerGuy73

Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.

I’ve got this.

*grabs a hammer*