@ItsAndyRyan

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

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@iamspacegirl

Ghost me would do the same stuff as alive me.
Howl. Wander. Stand in front of the fridge and stare at all the food I’m not allowed to eat.

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

@jlock17

My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.

@climaxximus

Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.

Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.

(later, shaving)

Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!

@ryangriffiths

People that say “The worst kind of cut is a paper cut” probably haven’t been stabbed in the face before.

@Parkerlawyer

Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.

Anyone want to trade jobs?

@MissBamantha

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

@Shanehasabeard

Haha, I feel sorry for all you losers who missed out on the Bitcoin train. You should’ve bought in years ago, like me: A perfectly normal man who coincidentally hoarded a virtual currency during a time when it’s only use was for sex trafficking and purchasing organs.