whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
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after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
No thanks, animal crackers. You’re not fooling me. I eat real animals.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*