Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
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Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt