@sofarrsogud

HER: Wow you look great.

ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.

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@mister_blank

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

@Try2StopME

I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.

@ArelyCorral

If Jose breaks up with me just know it’s because he’s had enough

@JazzTrombonist

I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone

@Ngamsi_

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you