HER: Wow you look great.

ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.

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here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.


I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.


If Jose breaks up with me just know it’s because he’s had enough


I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone


Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you