Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it’s not doing its job.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
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Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
The worst part about winter is how the ground is hard and crunchy and it makes me constantly crave nachos.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Shampoo for my real friends, real poo for my sham friends.