her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs

me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually

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911: What’s your emergency?

Me: He text me first. Just to say hi. What do I do?!

911: Be cool

Me: I sent him a list of baby names instead


Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?


Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?


*catches a pretty girl’s eye
*puts it in a jar of formaldehyde with all the other eyes I’ve collected


toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”


alien: we have come to destroy all humanity

me: hell yeah

alien: what? I said we have co-

me: hurry up


Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,

“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”


My kids use all the toilet paper, dictate when I sleep and eat, and destroy everything I own. My house is its own little communist country.