911: What’s your emergency?
Me: He text me first. Just to say hi. What do I do?!
911: Be cool
Me: I sent him a list of baby names instead
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
You Might Also Like
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
*catches a pretty girl’s eye
*puts it in a jar of formaldehyde with all the other eyes I’ve collected
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
PSA: don’t write papers hammered and then turn them in like me🙃
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
My kids use all the toilet paper, dictate when I sleep and eat, and destroy everything I own. My house is its own little communist country.