her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
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There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*