Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
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There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.