“I wish I had more time to read” he said as Netflix automatically played the next episode.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
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*Leaves a trail of chicken nuggets leading to the bedroom instead of rose petals.
Someone made up dinosaur sounds without ever hearing them
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?
doc: whoa there, hold your horses
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure