@QwertyJones3

HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.

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@prodigalsam

“I wish I had more time to read” he said as Netflix automatically played the next episode.

@yeaanotherchris

*Leaves a trail of chicken nuggets leading to the bedroom instead of rose petals.

@djdarrellripley

Me: We need some ham.

Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.

Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?

@FredTaming

doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
 
me: omg why god whyy
 
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
 
me: wait, i’m not dying?

doc: whoa there, hold your horses

@mattsurely

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names

@pilau

“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway

“Not that one” I whisper moments too late

@diaruba74

I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.

Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.

@duumb

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure