HER: You didn’t make a reservation?
ME: I got this.
(to Maître D’) Perhaps *this* will jog your memory?
M: A handful of Skittles, sir?

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Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*


GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me


GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points


[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”


Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot


Bank Robber: Everybody get down!

Friend: What are you doing?!

Me: *sitting down and pulling a bag of almonds out of my purse* Panic picnic.


[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*


I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.


Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late