@QwertyJones3

Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.

Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..

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@WorstCassie

Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”

@nachosarah

if all my friends jumped off a cliff I wouldn’t do it too because cats can land on their feet they’ll be fine

@oxygenplug

“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”

“Juicy Juice”

“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”

“Juicy. Juice.”

@Tmoney68

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

@Birdhumms

I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.

@MarfSalvador

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

@mostlysharks

[meeting my gf’s parents]

gf: just please be serious

me: ok

[later]

gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now

me: I DID MY WAITING

gf: oh no

me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT

gf: please

me: IN AZKABAN

@RidiculousDak

My brain: You really think you can just study the night before and pass?

Me:

@birbigs

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics