Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
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A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
I’d use my best pan on you.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.