Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
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if all my friends jumped off a cliff I wouldn’t do it too because cats can land on their feet they’ll be fine
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
me: I lost the boy
me: at the burrito stand
me: I turned around for a second
me: and then for a third
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
me: IN AZKABAN
My brain: You really think you can just study the night before and pass?
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics