I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
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Every time Nicki Minaj tells someone their voice isn’t good enough on Idols, someone is crushed to death by the weight of the irony.
Sometimes I ask my husband to put away the clean dishes so I can play kitchen scavenger hunt next time I need something.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
If every person in the world held hands around the equator a significant portion of them would drown.
You said No DMs, but you didn’t say anything about stopping by.
Anyways I’m at the door.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Person who doesn’t know I’m on twitter: Have you see
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.