A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
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the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Where’s Jesus when you need him. There’s only 2 fish sticks left and I’ve got company coming.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
How boring my life has become!
The only time I hear myself say, “I’m coming” is when I’m trying to tell my dog I’m getting his food ready!
Me: You know that prank where you put dog poop in a bag and set the persons house on fire?
Her: You mean set the bag on fire
Rookie cop: “But sir, why would man’s laughter be a crime?”
Chief: “ffs kid, it’s one word. Manslaughter.”
It’s weird for Me not having a Pope. I feel like Burns without Smithers.