@UnFitz

Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.

Me: Silently? No.

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@PaperWash

A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.

@dog_feelings

the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty

@FeelingEuphoric

please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody

@biggsmoke814

Where’s Jesus when you need him. There’s only 2 fish sticks left and I’ve got company coming.

@revenge_tanukis

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

@dinnersruined

DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?

@iGreenMonk

How boring my life has become!

The only time I hear myself say, “I’m coming” is when I’m trying to tell my dog I’m getting his food ready!

@BoogTweets

Me: You know that prank where you put dog poop in a bag and set the persons house on fire?

Her: You mean set the bag on fire

Me:

[sirens]

@ibid78

Rookie cop: “But sir, why would man’s laughter be a crime?”
Chief: “ffs kid, it’s one word. Manslaughter.”

@TheTweetOfGod

It’s weird for Me not having a Pope. I feel like Burns without Smithers.