grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
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me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Women say they like a man in uniform but I’ve been wearing this naughty nurse outfit all day and not a single woman has approached me yet 🙁
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.