Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
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Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
channeling her this year
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it