Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
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Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Lmao
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!