@djdarrellripley

Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?

Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…

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@chiekshere

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

@OfficeofSteve

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist

@Marlebean

“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”

@tylerschmall

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.

@urfavoritejoel

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside

@AimeeHelene1

At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.

(wins at death)

@ktoab

I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.

@theshantilly

*glamorously folds laundry

*seductively wipes off countertops

*slowly bends over to pick up toys

*sexily trips over the cat…

@GrantTanaka

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it