I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
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me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
[doctor gets job as 911 operator]
“What’s your emergency?”
MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE
“Hmm ok let’s wait a few weeks and see how it is then”
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Police: where were you between 5 and 6?
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.