@djdarrellripley

Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?

Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…

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@dril

please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,

@DillDoes

*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now

@Browtweaten

me: how much is the funny smelling spray

clerk: perfume?

me: no the whole bottle

@MrYeager2

Wife: hey take me out tonight.

Me: can it wait till tomorrow?

Wife: why?

Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is

@Quartzjixler

A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.

@BruceForce

WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD

@gingerfaced

What do you mean you were really drunk? I already changed my Facebook relationship status for you.

@Lazer_Cat_

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”