Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
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If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?