please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
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*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
me: no the whole bottle
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
What do you mean you were really drunk? I already changed my Facebook relationship status for you.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”