Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
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ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
We decided to have money instead of children.