Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
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[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
What?!?
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Just had my nails done!
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.