Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
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Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
i guess his teacher was really pissed
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Care for your back
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do