🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
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Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
channeling her this year
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE