Her: You into S&M.

Him: Sure.

Her: Good. *ties him to bed post*

Him: Oh yeah.

Her: Ready…?

Him: Torture me!

Her: *plays Nickelback*

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What woman say right before they kill you:

No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.


If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.


Nothing says “We have no faith in our own products” like using a 16 year old girl in your anti-aging cream commercials.


[is being given CPR by my ex girlfriend] “do you know how many heart attacks I had to fake before they sent you.”


*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them


[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet


I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble


My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.


I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.


[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!