What woman say right before they kill you:
I’m not mad.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Her: You into S&M.
Her: Good. *ties him to bed post*
Him: Oh yeah.
Him: Torture me!
Her: *plays Nickelback*
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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Nothing says “We have no faith in our own products” like using a 16 year old girl in your anti-aging cream commercials.
[is being given CPR by my ex girlfriend] “do you know how many heart attacks I had to fake before they sent you.”
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!