Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
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Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
how it started vs how it ended
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.