@djdarrellripley

Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?

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@SlabBaconBP

How to make your girl feel special:
1) Write down how you feel about your drink or drug of choice.
2) Put her name on it & give it to her.

@just1fool

Being misunderstood is an art and apparently I should open a gallery.

@hoops_Daddy

Wind chimes. Something I’ve never purchased.

Can’t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what’d be nice? Noise.

@AndrewNadeau0

His hearts in his throat

His lungs in his knee

His stomachs inside out

Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying

@sofarrsogud

MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.

ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.

@Seinfeld2000

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

@panmidwest

[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?