Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?

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How to make your girl feel special:
1) Write down how you feel about your drink or drug of choice.
2) Put her name on it & give it to her.


Being misunderstood is an art and apparently I should open a gallery.


Wind chimes. Something I’ve never purchased.

Can’t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what’d be nice? Noise.


His hearts in his throat

His lungs in his knee

His stomachs inside out

Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying


MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.

ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.


right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson


[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?