@djdarrellripley

Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?

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@JimmerThatisAll

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

@ineedaballrub

I just Googled ‘Nicolas Cage jokes’ and it showed me a list of every film he’s been in.

Well played, Google.

@PinkCamoTO

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

@TweetPotato314

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

@Home_Halfway

A cannibal and his vegetarian friend go to brunch. They both order a danish.

@FilthyRichmond

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

@Vodkantots

How to deal with anger and resentment toward someone:

1. Write down feelings and put message in a bottle
2. Break bottle over person’s head