Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
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sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Lol.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.