My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
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My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
The pasta is now
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me