@Tups13

Her: You know what turns me on? Adventurers who survive adversity.
Me: Once I got lost inside my duvet cover and thought I was going to die.

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@TheRealRHB

Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days

@susie_qsie

If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…

…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.

@neiltyson

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

@rkatz94

Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”

M: Did NOT see that coming

@DevilryFun

I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.

@MaraWritesStuff

Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.

@wolfpupy

people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.

@sexualjumanji

my girl 7’9 we got in a fight last night she put my car keys in a birds nest in a tree i cant reach them please help me

@just1fool

You know what they say about a man with average sized feet.

It’s really easy to find shoes for him.