@Tups13

Her: You know what turns me on? Adventurers who survive adversity.
Me: Once I got lost inside my duvet cover and thought I was going to die.

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@MichaelJTiberi

Why is everyone bragging about how great it is to have kids? I slept till noon today, and the only person who threw up last night was me.

@KentWGraham

BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.

@shkeeber

Me: *passes ransom note*

Mom: 2 bags of unmarked cookies?

Me: Or you’ll never see the cat alive!

Mom: He’s behind you.

Me: STUPID KITTY!

@katy_fit

Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.

@ivanajokealot

i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot

@HumanPog

dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why

@bridger_w

Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour