Her: You know what turns me on? Adventurers who survive adversity.
Me: Once I got lost inside my duvet cover and thought I was going to die.

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Why is everyone bragging about how great it is to have kids? I slept till noon today, and the only person who threw up last night was me.


BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.


Me: *passes ransom note*

Mom: 2 bags of unmarked cookies?

Me: Or you’ll never see the cat alive!

Mom: He’s behind you.



Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.


i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot


dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why


Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour