@Celestinelea90

Her: You know when you’re craving a cheeseburger but you order a salad instead…

Me: (wiping ketchup off my face with my sleeve) No.

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@Leemanish

Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.

@1Happytwit

If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.

@ramblinma

Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.

@Harbinger_one

Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.

@theshantilly

Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

T: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.

@Social_Mime

Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.

@Sanbel11

I never understood why chefs wear white.

I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.

@Brampersandon_

WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe

@nPhelendriqal

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.

@Jenny4ashley

My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.