Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
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I only attract psychopaths. If you鈥檝e ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I鈥檓 not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn鈥檛 know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don鈥檛 count
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
This is my bus stop.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
馃拃馃拃馃ぃ Why are we like this?
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
My mother had eight kids and she鈥檇 buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don鈥檛 tell me about your childhood problems.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
I鈥檒l bet Charles Manson would鈥檝e made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 馃榾
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Hands up if you鈥檝e given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said