Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
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‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas