HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
You Might Also Like
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?